Aunt Hill and Ant Hills
by Iffy Jr
Summary: Tony/Loki. No. 2/10 in the CASHMBHGIF series. "After Tony finally just admitted that he and Loki are boyfriends, Loki doesn't want to be hunted anymore. So Tony takes him in to see Fury. And what sort of day is it that they so happen to show up on? Why, it's Agent Hill's birthday, of course. And Loki always did love birthdays… Nobody ever suspects a prank for a present."


A/N's: Hey y'all! Remember that series I'm writing with the super intense title? _CASHMBHGIF_ (Come And See How My Brain Has Gone Insane Forever)? Yeah, well, here's the second one! It's only, like, 6 pages long (according to Word), so about 4 pages shorter than the other one…but! That's the joy of a series for the fluff of it and the humor in life, right? So just gooo with the flooow ^-^

P.S. Here are the details of the series: I definitely suggest reading them in order, partly for big things but mostly just for little things. There are going to be 10, but this is just the 2nd, and I already have all of the titles and everything! So here's the list of titles:  
**1**. _Camels and Cameras_ (the previous one, in which Tony takes Loki to the zoo)  
**2**. _Aunt Hill and Ant Hills_ (this one, in which Loki pulls a prank on the birthday girl)  
**3**. _Sharks and Shakes_ (the next one, in which Tony takes Loki to the aquarium)  
**4**. _Hot Dogs and Hot Rods_ (in which Tony takes Loki to Disneyland)  
**5**. _Moonpies and Movie Stars_ (in which I've stolen the title of a book that I will be sure to give credit too and Tony takes Loki to the movie theater)  
**6**. _Beers and Beaches_ (in which Tony, Loki, the other Avengers, and a lot of S.H.I.E.L.D. members have a beach party)  
**7**. _Hiking and Hawkeye's_ (in which Tony takes Loki hiking and it gets turned against him)  
**8**. _Gallops and Gargoyles_ (in which Tony meets Loki's children and some of his friends up in Asgard)  
**9**. _Inkpads and Indians_ (in which Tony and Loki have a stamping war before ending up in 1855 and no they definitely are not in the pack of Indians that chase Marty in the time machine no siree)  
**10**. _Flowers and Falling_ (in which Loki buys Tony flowers and after all of this time Tony has fallen in love and proposes to Loki while skydiving-no I do not care that Tony has a flying suit and Loki is a god. Shut up and enjoy it!)  
Right now I'm just working on the 3rd one, Sharks and Shakes, and who _knows_ when it will be done. I have so many other things that I'm writing… *sighs* the life of a writer. Anyway. Enjoy! :)

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**Disclaimer**: None of the characters in this story are mine unless I say otherwise. Yeah.

**Summary**: Tony/Loki. No. 2 of 10 in the CASHMBHGIF series. "After Tony finally just admitted that he and Loki are boyfriends, Loki doesn't want to be hunted anymore. So Tony takes him in to see Fury. And what sort of day is it that they so happen to show up on? Why, it's Agent Hill's birthday, of course. And Loki always did love birthdays… Nobody ever suspects a prank for a present." COMPLETE.

**Pairing**: (Main) Tony/Loki, (Minor) Clint/Natasha  
**Status**: Complete  
**Rating**: M  
**Warning**: slash, m/m pairing; smut; strong language

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**Aunt Hill and Ant Hills**

"Promise you'll let me stay?" Loki breathes against Tony's neck, pumping into him painfully slow.

"Yes!" Tony moans, his legs wrapped around the gods waist to try and get him to fucking _move_. "Whenever you want, as long as you want. Forever. Loki, fuck!"

Loki grins, pulling out until just the very tip of his cock is inside before slamming back in. "Say please."

Tony doesn't usually beg. He doesn't like doing it. But, hell, he'll do anything for Loki. He'll rope himself down and stop refusing to admit that they're boyfriends, and he'll beg till his voice is dry. "Fuck, _please_," he whimpers, his hands reaching around to grip onto the peach halves of Loki's ass. "Anything, please."

"Anything?"

Even within pleasure Tony isn't _completely_ gone. "Within reason."

"Take me to S.H.I.E.L.D.. I'm done taking over the world. I want to be free."

"Done. Now get the fuck moving before I take it back."

Loki pulls back out and slams inside of Tony again, who rocks his own hips in time. When Loki finally has a decent pace going, Tony pulls him down so that his hands are on either side of his head. He kisses the god hard, ignoring the slight jar when their teeth crash every few seconds.

"Damn you," Loki breathes, dropping his mouth to the crook of Tony's neck and shoulder. "Damn you and mortality straight to your hell. For making me like you."

It takes a _lot_ in Tony to actually get out a coherent reply: "Would it make you feel any better if I—I—" He bites his bottom lip and holds in has much of his moan as he can, because right then is when Loki brushes his sweet spot. "If I gave up and started ca-ah-ah-alling you my boyfriend?"

Loki bites him, pounding relentlessly now. They're both nearing. "For now, yes. But don't ever make me…make me love you. Promise me you won't?"

"I can't _make_ you do—ow, ow! There is no need for—oh gods—permanent teeth marks on my sk-skin, you sensitive twa-ah-at. I won't make you love me, I pr-promise. It's all but impossible any—oh gods, oh yes, right there!"

Loki nibbles his way back to Tony's mouth. "Gods, yes. You were…were saying?"

Tony shakes his head. He can't think. "I don't re-remember."

Without reply, Loki's arms lift up from the bed and push against the headboard for support. So Tony tightens his legs around Loki's waist and grips his arms tightly around him below the arms, fingernails digging into his spine. They both release at the same time, Loki stilling with a thrust forward and Tony quitting his rocking with his legs tightening probably enough that he's hurting the god a bit. Or would be, if he wasn't a god. The only coherent thing from the others mouths are their names.

They collapse a moment later, Tony's arms and legs unwrapping from Loki and flopping limp onto the sheets. Loki holds up enough to slip out of Tony before he drops half on and half off of him, head resting down at Tony's chest. His arm curls across his lap and his hand tightens possessively at his hip.

They don't fall asleep, but they lay there for a long time, staring out at nothing in particular.

"You know," Tony says, looking up at the ceiling with a dazed smile, "right before you actually fucked me the first time you came over, I knew you'd be good because you're a _god_. But damn, I never thought you'd be _this_ good."

Loki smiles up at him, warmer than it is large. "You really will do those things for me, won't you?"

"What, take you to S.H.I.E.L.D. and start calling you my boyfriend?" He stretches, sitting up, Loki pushing up with him. "'Course I will. You know I don't lie to you. You'd catch me anyway. And, if you didn't for some out of this world reason, you'd decimate me for going back on my word later."

Loki's smile is larger. "Yes. Yes I would. Will you call in today?"

"Yeah, at the very least to set an appointment. Who _knows_ when Fury will be available."

"What about Maria?"

Tony snorts. "Maria? You mean Agent Hill? Geez, nobody calls _her_ by her first name. I know you're trying to be…nicer…to people, but don't try _too_ hard."

Loki smirks, pushing into a better sitting position, still straddling Tony. "Why not? I'll call you all something! Godmother Bruce, Godmother Natasha, Nanny Steve, Uncle Clint, Mamma Pepper, and Papa Tony. Then of course brother Thor, ugly cousin Fury, and Aunt Hill!"

Tony bursts into laughter. "I hope you know how much more pleasant you are now that you're not out to kill all of us."

Loki smiles, kissing Tony on the cheek. "I know. Shower?"

Tony nods, which must have been the permission Loki was waiting for, because he swings out of bed and all but skips to the bathroom. Tony rolls his eyes heavenward. Definitely not his boyfriend, nope.

"Jarvis?" he says.

"Good morning, sir. I already know you slept well, so I will refrain from asking. I have already sent a message to both S.H.I.E.L.D. and Director Fury's private line, and you should have a reply by the time you're all cleaned up.

"I love you, Jay," Tony says, swinging out of bed.

"I know that too, sir. And remember not to be so loud this time; Mr. Rogers' private quarters are on the other side of the wall, and that part has always been generally thin. Especially try because he's in there at the present moment."

"Oh, whatever. Just ask him to switch with Clint and Natasha, would you? I know he's at least awake, and the only time _those two_ are actually in the bedroom is if they're about as loud as we are, anyway. I don't think they actually sleep."

"I'll get right on that. The switching suggestion, I mean."

"Thank you, Jarvis. That will be all."

"Still a part of my knowledge, sir. Have a lovely shower."

"Hey, at least it's been someone you _know_ for the last few months."

"Yes, and I am so thrilled to have gotten to know him even better after all this time."

"You know you love me!" Loki's voice rings from the bathroom.

"I am not programmed to love, so naturally I do."

Tony rolls his eyes and pads into the bathroom, using the bathroom before stepping into the shower with Loki. "Maybe I _should_ program him to love," Tony says, wrapping his arms around Loki as he soaps himself up.

"Oh, _no_," Loki says, craning his neck back so Tony sees him grimace. "An AI with feelings? That would go _terribly_ wrong."

"Oh, let's just hurry up and shower. I want to hear Fury's reply."

"Should I just…walk in at your side? I mean, there's going to be a few heart attacks if the God of Mischief just walks in holding Tony Stark's hand. I should put on a disguise."

Tony snorts. "Oh, _now_ you'll put on a disguise! Not at the zoo, though, _no_. Of course it's a good idea. What kind of guy should Fury think I'm dating?"

Loki rolls his eyes. "Tony, darling, a chunk of the heart attacks will be because I'm a man in the first place. I'll go as a woman."

Tony blinks a bit. "Can you make yourself look the same as you did that one time you were trying to seduce me so you could hack into Jarvis? Because you were really fucking attractive."

Loki laughs. "Of course, Anthony. Anything for you."

**XxX**

"Over here, Stark."

Tony and Leah (AKA disguised Loki) turn to see Fury standing a little ways to the left, so they make their way over, weird looks following them the entire way. Usually when Tony shows up here he's in his suit, but now…well, he has a friend. And a very attractive friend, at that.

"Wow," the one-eyed man says in the most sarcastic tone imaginable. "You actually _made an appointment_. Usually you just _fly in here_ and fuck my company up a bit. You know, actually, you don't even do _that_. In fact, you fly _away_ from me. So why now, Stark, would you waltz in here with one of your little lady pets—no offence, ma'am—_today_, of all days?"

Tony cocks an eyebrow. "What, is there something special about today?"

"It's Agent Hill's birthday. Now what do you _want_?"

Tony bursts into laughter, and Leah lets out a little giggle. "That wasn't planned, we swear. We just, uh, need somewhere private to tell you what we must."

He raises his eyebrow at every use of "we", but sighs and says, "Fine. Come to my office. It's the most security free zone in the building. Well…outside security. The only person who's ever actually broken in before is—"

"Natasha, obviously."

"Correct. But there's also a non-person."

"Jarvis."

"Spot on, motherfucker."

The door locks in three different places behind them, plus a state of the art security strip that Tony invented himself. Yeah, good ole Stark Industries technology. That's good to know for the next time Jarvis is trying to break into S.H.I.E.L.D., though he probably already knows about it.

"Alright, Stark," Fury says as they sit down. "What's this about that _you're_ actually being _secretive_ about something?"

Tony sighs. "So, I've got a boyfriend."

Fury raises his only visible eyebrow. "And?"

"And he's on our top five villain list."

Fury sighs and rolls his eye at the same time. "Yes, Agent Barton told me, though I was hoping you wouldn't feel obliged to come and tell me specifically. Which begs me the question: _why_ are you telling me and _who_ is your friend?"

Tony gives a half-assed smile. "This is Leah, and I'm here and telling you because Loki wants you to take him off all of the bad guy lists."

Fury bursts into laughter. "Yeah. Right."

"No, I'm serious! You've got to see him. He really means it, I know it."

"Stark, stop it. I'm not taking him off. We can't afford that."

"What proof do you need that he's not going to destroy all of us, then? He'll do it, whatever it is."

Another sigh. "Well, I suppose if he just walked right in here and he _wasn't_ trying to take over the world…that would be enough. Of course we'd have to keep him on the list for a few more months just for precautions…but as long as he doesn't attack _us_, we won't attack _him_."

Without any warning at all, Leah's disguise shimmers away so that she's Loki. "Oh _brilliant_," reaching out to shake Fury's hand as he stares at the magician in shock. "You won't regret this, sir. Come on, Tone, I have to get Aunty Maria a birthday present!"

He starts to walk towards the door, Tony's hand in his, but Fury stops him: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, you really _did_ walk in here and _didn't_ destroy anything?"

Loki smiles. "Well, yes! Why would I want to destroy my boyfriend's employer?"

Fury blinks at him. "Because you're insane."

"With all due respect, sir, I wasn't the one who brought together six of the most lethal people on the planet—my brother included in that number."

Fury stands, chair pushing back. "You don't attack _us_, we don't attack _you_. Am I _clear_?"

"Clear as crystal," Loki says with a smile.

"Get out of my sight, motherfuckers."

Loki links his arm with Tony's, and after giving the director another grin he teleports them back to the Avengers Mansion.

"That went…" Tony begins, unsure of what words to use as he starts the coffee maker.

"Better than expected?" Loki finishes, gripping onto his hips and picking him up to set him on the counter beside the machine.

"Yeah," Tony says with a smile. "He didn't even kick us out."

"A miracle, really."

"Mmm, yeah…"

They kiss languidly as the coffee drizzles into the pot, Tony dropping his arms around Loki's neck. The god swiftly undoes the buttons of Tony's shirt (he had to look nice enough that Fury actually paused and truly questioned the meaning of their visit), his fingers tracing over the skin. Tony pulls him closer to him, and once he can't come any closer because of the counter, Tony slides forward. Loki rubs painfully slow against him, pushing his tongue past Tony's teeth, drawing out a moan.

"Geez, guys, get a room."

Loki chuckles, dropping his mouth down to Tony's neck so Tony can look around him and smirk at Clint. "We have a room," kicking at him as he walks by them to get a glass for the coffee. "The kitchen's a room."

"You know what I mean, your royal high-ass."

"You're just jealo—" He cuts off with a moan at a particularly lavishing bite/suck from Loki, not to mention the hand sliding down the back of his pants, hidden from eyes thanks to Tony's shirt).

"Yeah," Clint says, pouring himself a glass of coffee and adding _far_ too much sugar and not enough cream. "When I have 'Tasha. _Real_ fuckin' jealous over here."

Tony regains himself enough to smirk, pretending that there isn't a mouth giving him a hicky or a finger sliding between his ass cheeks. "You know I can't even imagine you topping, right?"

Clint smirks, turning around to saunter out of the kitchen. "Maybe I don't."

Tony would have laughed if it wasn't for the suddenly sharp pinch of teeth on his neck before Loki pulls his mouth back to his. "Pay attention to me, Tony," be breathes into the billionaires mouth. "I'll have to punish you if you don't…"

Tony grins, pulling his face away from the god's. "Wait, Clint, come back and distract me!" he calls.

Loki's popped them onto Tony's bed before they even have any coffee, mouths crashing hard together and Tony's hands tied to the headboard with Loki's magic.

But then there's _Jarvis_: "Sirs, you have a call coming in."

"Jay, honestly," Tony growls, "can't you see we don't _care_?"

"But you do care, sir. It's Director Fury."

Tony sighs. "We're going to have to get him back for this," he says to Loki.

Loki bursts into a fit of very not-manly/godly giggles. "_He's_ getting back at _us_, actually. I left a birthday present for Maria when we left."

"Oh _Loki_! On the very day he chooses to trust you? You really need a lesson on timing."

"Can I invite Sherlock?"

"I—what?"

"Never mind. My little prank was _hardly_ anything I'll be locked up for."

"Alright, whatever. Jarvis, open up a line."

There's a _click_, so Tony speaks: "Yes, your majesty?"

The first thing Fury does is growl. "I let your _lady friend_ off the hook as much as he can be, and he pulls a _prank_ on my second in command on her _birthday_? What the fuck does he think he's playing at?"

"I don't even know what the fuck he _did_," Tony says. "So tell me. Did he create banana peels to drop all over the place? What?"

Fury sighs. "No."

"Oh, _I'll_ tell him," Loki says, leaning up so that he straddling Tony in a sitting position. "I let ants out, but not fruit peels."

Tony blinks up at him. "Ants."

Loki nods, smile bright. "Yup! It's an old inside joke between Fury and I, but I explained it to her in the magic card I gave her." He giggles again. "Fury, how did she take it?"

Fury bursts into laughter. "Her reaction is the only reason I'm not arresting you right now, Laufeyson. She stepped right into the middle of a hill before her card floated up in front of her face as she stomped at it."

Loki laughs again. "If you give me the security feed I promise I'll—"

"No. Don't promise me anything. We'll both regret it. Just tell Jarvis to hack in and take it. I know he can and I know he would anyway even if I told him he couldn't."

"Thanks, Nicky."

"… Goodbye."

A _click_, and Fury's gone.

Tony blinks up at the god. "Did you seriously just call my boss 'Nicky'?"

Loki blinks back. "Yes."

"Lo', he doesn't even like it when I call him by his _last_ name. I mean, I do it anyway, because what the hell else am I supposed to call him, but that doesn't mean that he likes it."

Loki smirks. "He's going to have to get back at me for it later."

Tony smirks. "Well, I certainly hope I'm there to see it. What did Hill's card say?"

Loki giggles again, waving his hand in the air. A card appears above his hand, and he reads it out loud:

_Dear Agent Hill,  
Happy 28th birthday! I'm sorry I wasn't there to see your reaction, but that's okay, because if Fury doesn't just give me the security feed I'll take it.  
You probably don't understand why I chose this particular present, so I'll explain it for you! Waaay back when I first tried to take over the world, Fury asked me why I was trying to destroy everyone, because I had to quarrel with them ("them" being all the tiny little mortals I still feel are very far beneath me). My answer, simply, was: "An ant has no quarrel with a boot." So here you are, Agent Maria Hill, stepping on an ant hill, I just thought it appropriate because it's a HILL, and that's your last name!  
And the second reason is because, now that I'm a "part of the family", everyone gets a relationship status! Godmother Natasha, Uncle Clint, ugly cousin Fury…and you, too! Aunt Hill. And WHAT do you get from that title by removing one letter? That's right! ANT HILL. So I placed one exactly where I knew you would step.  
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! A few thousand years and you'll be as old as me.  
Love, Loki, your friendly neighborhood God of Mischief  
P.S. Careful, the ants bite.  
_

Tony bursts into laughter. "You are _horrible_. She is never going to speak to either of us _again_."

"She's never spoken to me before anyway," Loki says, shrugging.

"Kiss me, stupid."

Loki does.

_**-fin-**_

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References: _"Oh _Loki_! On the very day he chooses to trust you? You really need a lesson on timing."  
"Can I invite Sherlock?"_

If you haven't watched Sherlock BBC then this won't make any sense to you. So here: John is often telling Sherlock off for his timing. So Loki's inviting him to the lesson! No I do not mean that the God of Mischief has watched British television. I'm pretending that he actually _knows_ Sherlock Holmes. And yes it _will_ come into some of the later fics ;)

Ending notes: Right, that's the end of that! The next one is complete and called _Sharks and Shakes_, in which Tony takes Loki to the aquarium!


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